Loss

It's taken me a long time to get up the nerve to write about this. I'm not writing this as a reminder, because I will never forget, but I feel compelled to recognize it through our family blog.

Last year Aaron and I were expecting our 3rd child. I miscarried in November-about 8 weeks pregnant. It was so much more devastating that I could have ever imagined. In some way I feel like I will continue to morn for the rest of my life.

I was so thankful that Aaron was there with me for the visit. The children were there too, and I had gotten them all excited about seeing their baby brother/sister on the "TV screen." I had explained to them that it will not look like a baby, but more like a peanut, and that over time we will be able to see arms, legs, ears, mouth...etc. They were really anticipating it all. Ugh, I wish I wouldn't have told them. What a terrible feeling. Our entire family was all staring up at the screen, waiting to see it. I just kept searching for it. I couldn't understand why the technician was having such a hard time. I flooded her with questions and she wouldn't give me any direct answers. I'm not going to get into the details that follow, but after meeting with the doctor we decided to let my body do it's natural thing and we left the office, our hearts full of despair.

The boys had a lot of questions on the way home, and Aaron tried to keep them quiet for my sake. He called some family that was awaiting the news. They just weren't expecting what Aaron had told them.

There were some awkward moments later on. People who didn't know what had happened kept telling me that I was looking great, or were asking me how I was feeling. Sometime I didn't even tell the truth. I just smiled and told them I was feeling fine, and quickly got away to go cry somewhere.

To this day, if Christian sees a pregnant women, he understands that there is a baby in there. He usually says that his "baby sister" is with Jesus, and waits for me to reaffirm him. He was convinced that he was going to have a baby sister.

There was something that Beth told me that really brought comfort. She said that She and Big Poppa (her husband) had all these grand babies to themselves, but now Rick (Aaron's father) has a grand baby of his own to hold up there in heaven.

I know a lot of friends that got pregnant again right away after miscarrying. Perhaps that would have been a better road for us - another baby to fill the void and pain of losing the last. They say that you are even more fertile afterwords. I wonder if that is part of God's plan. Maybe he knows that it would help a women to cope if she had the joy of another child within her. I still cry over it all. It takes me by surprise sometimes. Sometimes we have to leave Church early because there are sooo many little newborn babies, and I just can't keep it together.

If you have a few moments in the day, please pray for God to heal my broken heart. Or maybe to equip me to handle it better so that I don't break down every time I see him bless another family with a healthy newborn.

I am so very blessed to have two healthy children and a wonderful husband, and I really do thank God for it.

I am looking forward to meeting our little one in heaven one day.